The Habit of Hurrying and the Fear of the Future — Sameer’s Story

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ગુજરાતી: ઉતાવળની આદત અને ભવિષ્યનો ડર — સમીરની સમસ્યા
हिंदी: जल्दबाज़ी की आदत और भविष्य का डर — समीर की कहानी

It was midnight. The entire house was asleep, but Sameer was wide awake.

He lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

“What if the same thing happens after marriage?”

The thought immediately brought a heaviness to his chest. His breathing became faster. His hands felt cold. He closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath, but the same fear kept returning—

“Will I be able to manage my married life?”

Sameer was a 24-year-old young man who appeared healthy, well-groomed and confident. His family had started discussing his marriage. Whenever the subject came up at home, everyone else seemed happy, but Sameer felt an unexplained anxiety inside.

He could not tell anyone about it.

The reason was an old habit.

Since adolescence, Sameer had been masturbating. In the beginning, along with curiosity, he also had a fear of being caught. Because of that fear, he would often finish quickly.

As the years passed, he began to feel that his body had become accustomed to responding in the same hurried way.

Even now, when he masturbated, ejaculation often happened within a very short time.

But that was not the only problem.

Sameer had started treating this time as a measure of his entire sexual ability.

He would think—

“If I cannot control myself even when I am alone, what will happen with my future partner?”

“What if I fail on my wedding night?”

“What will my wife think of me?”

Slowly, these thoughts became so intense that Sameer began fearing his future even before marriage.

One night, his anxiety became so intense that he felt as though he could not breathe properly. His family helped calm him down. After some time, he felt better. But that night, Sameer finally decided—

“I need to talk to a professional about this.”

“Doctor, I think I have ruined myself…”

During counselling, Sameer remained silent for a long time.

Then he spoke softly.

“Doctor, I feel that I am not fit for marriage. I ejaculate very quickly. I have never had a real sexual relationship, but I already feel that I will not be able to satisfy my wife.”

There was more fear in his eyes than shame.

The specialist calmly asked,

“Have you ever had a sexual relationship with a partner?”

“No.”

“Then how have you already decided that you will fail in married life?”

Sameer remained quiet for a moment.

“But doctor… even when I am alone, I ejaculate very quickly.”

“That is something worth understanding,” the specialist explained. “But the time taken during masturbation and the experience of sexual intimacy with a partner do not necessarily have to be the same. The two situations can involve different levels of arousal, mental state, touch, emotions, pace and pauses.”

Sameer listened carefully for the first time.

“So my 30–40 seconds do not determine my entire sexual ability?”

“No. It would not be appropriate to reach that conclusion based on this alone.”

For the first time in years, Sameer felt as though a window that had been closed inside him had opened slightly.

When the Hurry Becomes a Learned Pattern

The specialist continued,

“If someone repeatedly masturbates during adolescence because of fear of being caught, embarrassment or urgency, they may develop a learned pattern of rapid arousal and ejaculation. This can be understood as a form of conditioning, or a learned response.”

“So I have not damaged my body?”

“It is not appropriate to think of it that way. And more importantly, there can be scope to change learned habits and responses.”

Sameer took a deep breath.

But the specialist immediately clarified something else.

“That does not mean that changing a habit alone will completely resolve the problem for everyone. If, during actual sexual relationships, ejaculation repeatedly happens sooner than desired and it causes distress, an appropriate sexual-health evaluation can be useful. Anxiety, stress, relationship circumstances or other physical factors may sometimes play a role as well.”

Sameer listened quietly.

Pornography and Real-Life Intimacy Are Not the Same

After a moment, Sameer asked,

“Could pornography have affected me too?”

“Pornography should not be considered a form of real-life sexual education,” the specialist replied. “What is shown there is not a reliable measure of real-life intimacy. If someone constantly compares their sexual ability with what they see in pornography, it can create unrealistic expectations and anxiety about their own body and performance.”

For the first time, Sameer realised that he had not really been measuring his body.

He had been measuring himself against his imagination.

“So what should I do now?”

“First, try to let go of the thought, ‘I am ruined.’ Second, if you feel that pornography is affecting your anxiety or daily life, try reducing it or stepping away from it. Third, learn to understand your body’s responses without rushing.”

The specialist also explained behavioural approaches such as the Stop-Start technique—pausing when arousal becomes intense, noticing bodily sensations and calming the breathing and mind before beginning again.

“This is not something that changes in a single day,” the specialist said. “You do not need to fight your body. You need to understand it.”

A Few Weeks Later…

Sameer slowly began changing his daily routine.

He reduced the habit of staying up late alone watching pornography. He paid more attention to regular sleep, exercise and staying active during the day.

But the biggest change was that he stopped constantly testing himself.

Whenever the thought came—

“What will happen to me?”

he began telling himself,

“Nothing has happened yet. Why should I punish myself today for something I am only imagining about the future?”

Some days were easier. On other days, the anxiety returned.

But he no longer considered every difficult day a failure.

After some time, his family brought up the subject of marriage again.

This time, Sameer still felt nervous, but he did not feel the same urge to run away.

He had begun to understand that marriage was not an examination in which he had to prove his sexual ability on the very first night.

A relationship has time.

It has communication.

It has understanding.

And two people have their own pace of becoming comfortable with each other.

Most importantly—

A sexual relationship is not defined only by how quickly ejaculation occurs.

Sameer’s problem had probably not developed in a single day, so he did not expect himself to change overnight either.

But now he had understanding where there had once been fear.

And sometimes, the beginning of improvement is very small—

when a person stops blaming himself and starts trying to understand his problem.

Practical Understanding

Ejaculating quickly during masturbation, by itself, does not determine whether someone has premature ejaculation. If ejaculation repeatedly occurs sooner than desired during sexual relationships and causes distress to the person or couple, an evaluation by a qualified professional may be helpful.

Anxiety, constantly testing oneself and unrealistic sexual expectations can make the situation more difficult. Behavioural training, counselling, lifestyle changes and medical guidance when appropriate may be useful depending on the individual situation.

The key message: A past habit does not mean that a person has “ruined” himself. With appropriate understanding and professional support when needed, it is possible to develop a healthier perspective toward sexual and emotional well-being.