The Habit Behind Closed Doors

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Nia and Rohan’s Story

Nia was twenty-four and Rohan was twenty-seven. They had been married for barely three months.

To everyone outside, they looked like an ideal newly married couple. Rohan had a good job, cared for Nia, and was attentive to her needs. Their emotional and intimate relationship also felt close and satisfying.

Nia often felt that she had found the kind of husband she had always hoped for.

Yet, whenever they stepped outside their home, a strange anxiety began to follow her.

She was not afraid of Rohan’s love.

She was afraid of some of his behaviour.

One Sunday, they went to a shopping mall. There were people everywhere. While Nia was talking to Rohan, she suddenly noticed his hand.

As they walked through the crowd, his hand repeatedly moved toward his private area.

Nia immediately felt uncomfortable.

She looked around, worried that someone might notice.

She quietly nudged Rohan and signalled him to move his hand away.

Rohan suddenly seemed to realise where he was. He removed his hand.

Nia tried to convince herself that it had probably been an isolated incident.

But the question stayed in her mind.

A few days later, Nia woke up early in the morning and realised that Rohan was not beside her.

She searched the house and eventually went toward the terrace.

What she saw left her frozen.

Rohan was engaging in sexual behaviour in a place where people from surrounding buildings could potentially see him.

What disturbed Nia most was not simply the behaviour itself.

It was the impression that Rohan did not seem to understand the seriousness of the situation or the possibility of being seen.

Nia immediately went downstairs.

Her mind was filled with questions.

“How can someone who is so caring with me at home behave like this outside?”

“Does he not realise that someone could see him?”

“Is this simply a bad habit?”

Or could there be a psychological or behavioural problem that even Rohan himself did not fully understand?

Eventually, Nia spoke to her mother-in-law.

It took considerable courage for her to explain what had happened.

The answer shocked her.

The family already knew about Rohan’s behaviour.

It had apparently been present since his college years. They had hoped that marriage, greater responsibility and the presence of a wife would eventually make him stop.

But after three months of marriage, Nia understood something important:

Marriage does not automatically resolve an underlying psychological or behavioural problem.

That night, Nia struggled to sleep.

She felt angry with Rohan. She was worried about him. At the same time, she also felt some sympathy for him.

Slowly, she began to understand an important distinction:

Being loving and caring does not necessarily mean that a person has complete control over every behaviour or impulse.

Is This Just a “Bad Habit”?

Repeated inappropriate sexual behaviour in public should not simply be dismissed as a bad habit, especially when the person has difficulty controlling it or when it creates social, relationship or legal problems.

In some cases, such behaviour may be associated with Exhibitionistic Disorder. However, a diagnosis cannot be made simply from one incident or from a description of a few behaviours.

Similarly, not every unusual sexual behaviour should automatically be labelled an Impulse Control Disorder.

A proper assessment needs to consider the frequency of the behaviour, the person’s ability to control it, the motivation behind it, associated psychological factors and the distress or impairment it causes.

The Connection Between Risk and Sexual Arousal

For some individuals, the possibility of being seen may become connected with sexual excitement.

However, the underlying reason is not necessarily the same in every person.

In one individual, the behaviour may involve difficulty controlling impulses. In another, it may be associated with particular sexual fantasies. In another, it may occur as part of a broader psychological or behavioural difficulty.

That is why family members should avoid humiliating the person or trying to explain everything as a simple character flaw.

The behaviour should be taken seriously, while the person should be encouraged to seek appropriate professional assessment.

What Should Nia Do?

First, Nia needs to understand that she is not solely responsible for fixing this problem.

She can speak to Rohan when he is calm and there is privacy.

Instead of saying, “You are a bad person,” she can describe how his behaviour affects her.

For example:

“You are a caring husband, but when this happens in public, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe. I think we should speak to a professional about it.”

This approach focuses on the behaviour and its impact rather than attacking Rohan’s character.

At the same time, an important boundary must remain clear.

Nia is not obligated to tolerate sexual behaviour that makes her feel unsafe, humiliated or uncomfortable.

If Rohan’s behaviour in public could involve other people being exposed to sexual conduct without their consent, it should not be normalised simply by saying, “This is just how he has always been.”

What Can Treatment Involve?

A psychiatrist or qualified mental-health professional can assess whether there is an underlying psychological or behavioural condition.

When the difficulty is specifically related to sexual behaviour, an appropriately trained sexologist or psychotherapist may also be involved, depending on the clinical situation.

Treatment depends on the underlying cause.

In some cases, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) may help a person understand the relationship between triggers, thoughts, urges and behaviour, and develop strategies for better behavioural control.

In certain situations, a psychiatrist may also consider medication. Medication is not necessary for everyone and should only be prescribed after an appropriate professional assessment.

Can Marriage Automatically Cure the Problem?

Nia’s mother-in-law probably believed that marriage would naturally bring maturity and self-control.

But marriage is not a treatment for a psychological or behavioural disorder.

Emotional support from a partner and a supportive family can be valuable, but persistent difficulty controlling sexual behaviour may require professional help.

Nia also needs to understand that:

It is not the wife’s responsibility alone to “fix” her husband.

Rohan must also acknowledge the problem and be willing to seek appropriate help.

In the End…

Over time, Nia began to understand that simply calling Rohan a “bad person” would not explain the situation.

But saying, “That is just how he is,” and ignoring the behaviour would not be appropriate either.

The person and the problem needed to be understood separately.

Nia could care about Rohan while still maintaining her own boundaries.

In any relationship, love matters. But consent, safety and respect matter just as much.

If sexual behaviour repeatedly occurs in inappropriate settings, the person struggles to control it, or it creates social, relationship or legal problems, hiding it out of shame is unlikely to solve the underlying issue.

Seeking appropriate professional help can be an important step toward understanding what is happening and deciding what support is needed.

Leave the Shame Behind, Seek Understanding

Sexual behaviour that causes concern should not simply be suppressed by calling it a “bad habit.”

The underlying causes need to be understood.

When one partner experiences such a difficulty, the other partner’s role is not simply to tolerate it. Maintaining personal boundaries, safety and consent is equally important.

Timely professional assessment can help reduce blame and create a more constructive path toward understanding the behaviour.